Self care? Yeah, right…
(The following was written in 2010, as I was going through my divorce from my first husband, and edited just a tad in 2022.
I’m happy to say, I think I’ve nailed a few things on my dream list, but another insight I have now, is that this whole self-care business is fluid - it’s about meeting life Where We Are … which can change hourly.)
When you hear the phrase, 'self-care', what comes to mind? Do you have a list? An ideal?
Is meeting your ideal self-care standard a challenge? (raising my own hand...)
I'll admit this is a phrase I've incorporated into my professional ‘recommendations’ ... how could I not in my line of work?
"You have to take care of yourself ... if you're a mother, wife, caretaker, human being, you'll be of no use to anyone if you don't take care of yourself first. .. blah blah blah …." …. jeeeez, no pressure there, right?
And everyone has an opinion about this - me, the holistic world, well-meaning friends and family, Dr Oz, Oprah - all with a litany of advice, suggestions, and 'simple tips, trick, hacks' for how to do something that should be so natural, and yet, seems so elusive for many.
(Hypothesis: Could be that we’ve made it something separate from the rest of ‘life’ - in which case, how did we get here?)
My story, in short.
I contacted a friend/therapist a bit ago, for some help getting though the period following my divorce. I'd been going it alone for awhile, and ran into some snags. And I thought, ‘Lookit me! Taking care of myself! How very adult. And mature.’
In the process of our talks, my friend asked me The Question:
"So, Gina. How do you show up for your self-care?"
Me thinking to self: “No prob. I got this.”
Fast forward to a few days later. I’m in the shower, mentally going down the to-do list for the day ... feeling the usual excitement that comes with the blank canvas of the day laid out before me.
Then … The Question.
Hey, Gina. Remember me? So …. how DO you show up for your self-care?
Damn.
Out of nowhere, tears began. My anticipation for the day ran down the shower drain. What the heck??
Until that moment, I hadn’t realized how much I had unconsciously packed into those two little words: Self care.
It was a whole -nuther freakin’ to-do list, which not only seemed impossible, but made me hate my friend just a teeny bit for even assigning me that homework (not really :). But, you know.
It was like a little box with one of those prank snakes coiled up. Or, a deceivingly tiny paper scroll that suddenly unfurled and ran the length of the room.
A moment of self-reflective questioning followed:
Maybe my ideals are too high. Maybe there’s a wee too many things on the to-do list. Maybe …. just maybe, I can let a few things go for now.
But wait! There was another ‘unexamined thought’ deep within the packing material … just below the well-meaning words, “You really need to take care of yourself…”
… the tiniest whisper of implication: “...because if you don't..."
Remember what I preach to my clients?
90% of what they’re suffering from I would attribute to some form of self-neglect.
So, logic says surely I will fall to the same fates - breakdown, headaches, high blood pressure, back surgery, hip replacements, heart attacks, cancer - if I don't deal with my stuff and take care of myself.
(And, dear clients? I am so, so sorry that I laid all THAT crap on you …)
I could immediately see that this line of thinking wasn't helping me to feel less stress.
Was this true that all this would happen? I don’t really know.
Do I believe self care is necessary? Yes. But if these thoughts are causing me pain right now, then it might behoove me to look at them a little more closely.
So, Insight One.
What I can do right now: Examine my current thoughts. Derail the thought trolley that only goes in circles.
What I will dub as 'Anti-Self-Care Thoughts' that usually begin with:
"I really should...", "If only.....", "I just wish...." " I just gotta...." "What's wrong with me that I can't.....", "Why can't they just....?"
How many self-care items on the list are mine, are pop-culture's, are the holistic community's?
How many are things that are not only not true for me, but are unpractical and unrealistic given where I am right now?
The Ah-ha.
Maybe self-care is not about taking on an exercise regimen, overhauling my diet, wishing I could have a vacation, anything to do with 'pampering' (my pet peeve word).
Maybe it's a moment-to-moment decision. Starting with, where are my thoughts going right now, and what concerns can I jettison? What items on my list are tipping the scales into overwhelm? And why?
Insight Two.
Self-care may mean not just taking care of the body, but taking care of the mind, and the quality of the moment.
I did feel a little better in challenging the fear that was underlying my 'shoulds'. I felt space and a little peace, and a temporary sense of 'Okay, I think I can handle this'.
The Irony. Coming down with a bad cold.
Even then, I was forced to really choose carefully. I did not (in my mind, 'could not' ) drop certain commitments, and did not deeply explore why until later. Even now, I'm wondering if that should have been a great opportunity to examine the other side, the 'why I couldn't give myself a break'.
But I digress.
Point is, I've been really examining this whole self-care idea ... what it really means, what forms it can take. And each person’s approach can be and should be deeply personal and unique ... not based on generic prescriptions or external standards.
Of course, keeping them within reasonable expectations helps.
So… what were a few things on my ‘unpacked’ list?
Cook three healthy meals a day, including food to bring to work;
bake bread;
daily qigong or yoga practice;
any kind of daily exercise practice;
bike rides in the summer;
daily meditation;
shiatsu once a week;
take vacations twice a year;
regular juicing and seasonal cleanses;
keep my house really neat and organized;
regular journal writing;
delegate the housework to my perfectly able-bodied sons with grace and ease and calm authority
Yeah, right. Even with a staff, I’m not sure I could have pulled this off.
Here’s my revised work-in-progress ‘compassion-for-self’ list:
Letting myself off the hook (letting others off the hook... expectations of others can be stressful, too);
questioning thoughts that cause me stress;
refraining from eating cereal for lunch;
noticing when my energy flags ... and asking what's really causing it;
being honest with myself;
being honest with others;
standing in wu chi position (a relaxed, but alert and grounded stance);
turning the music on really loud;
walking to the mailbox (I had a really long driveway when I first wrote this post…);
weeding or mowing the lawn;
admitting I'm angry;
admitting I’m being petty or judgmental or any number of other qualities I hate owning up to, at least to myself;
saying no;
saying yes;
getting to bed when I'm tired (or just napping. whenever.);
making peace with what I can't change in this moment, or ever;
throwing a private temper tantrum;
taking deep breaths;
drawing from my Source;
cleaning up my space, my desk, keeping my bedroom clean;
throwing things out;
knowing where my limits are and when to ask for help;
tapping into my own core when faced with difficult people or stressful situations;
exploring fear;
getting my coffee pot ready to go the night before;
re-reading letters of appreciation;
washing my bed clothes
Lots of little things, as you can see.
And, maybe a few that maybe you might not have considered to be self care.
Making life a little easier and enjoyable for yourself, I think, is a perfectly noble intention, and one that can more lovingly inform the purpose of doing the movement practice and the meditations and the eating healthier … more than the threat of dying, anyway.
Another adult-level self-care practice is recognizing that what I need may not be possible right now, and exploring whether I'm strong enough to absorb the hit without resentment.
Usually I am if I do it consciously.
But those are my answers.
How do you know what you need, when you're in need of self-care?
What happens when you neglect yourself?
What qualities are you longing for when you feel overwhelmed?
What glimpses of those qualities can you bring to situations that are less than the ideal?
I hope this gave you some things to think about, if the idea of self-care is a challenge for you, or aspects of it feel stressful.
I also hope that you can open up your ideas around what it means, allow it to take a different shape for you that meets your needs and the uniqueness of who you are and your situation.
Here are some more questions to help you further explore this topic.
